I don’t know why I do it and why I can’t stop myself, but I am always trying to live to please others. Most of the time, they don’t appreciate it anyway. In fact, they find something to complain about anyway. It seems like nothing I do is ever good enough. I can always do something better. It’s exhausting…mentally, physically and spiritually. I’ve always been an outsider, never quite fitting in. I was never part of the “in” crowd. Never have been and after 40 years, don’t think I ever will be. But sadly, that doesn’t stop me from trying even when I know what the outcome is going to be. And you know, I find myself even doing this at church, the one place where I should be accepted for who I am, no matter what. But even there, I feel like I always need to fit in to be accepted…I have to be a certain way, like certain things, do things a certain way…I’m sure you catch my drift. And maybe that is why I find myself straying away. Not only from church, but from everything and everyone. It’s my defense mechanism, what I use to try to keep myself from being hurt. I don’t know that it helps because I still feel hurt.
But as 2012 progresses, it is my plan to stop living to please others. If they can’t accept me for who I am, then it’s their loss. I’m not perfect and I am going to make mistakes, but my mistakes should not define me. I am going to focus on pleasing the One who can save me. My weight, my looks, my political affiliation, my past…none of that matters to God. He looks past the external to the internal. Even though I get off track, my intentions are pure and God knows my heart. He knows I strive to be the best that I can be. He looks past my faults and forgives me when I sin. He doesn’t hold it against me.
Thank God for being who He is. I don’t know why I have such a hard time putting pleasing God above pleasing others. But that is what I am going to work on this year. It will be a daily struggle because it is ingrained in me to try to please others.
If you find yourself facing this same struggle, why don’t you join me on this journey? I can guarantee you the rewards will be great!
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